Adversity strikes in all sizes and colors. Adversity is often relative although it’s never pain-free.
My daughter is finishing Grade 6 and everyone in her class had to apply to an intermediate school. The selection process is quite gruelling but I was very confident that she would be accepted in one or both of the schools she applied to.
As the announcement date approached, the stress experienced by these children became more and more evident.
On that day at 6am I received an email from the first school indicating that my daughter was not selected. She was instead placed on a Wait List due to space constraints.
I was stunned. It was the easier of the two schools and she did not make it. Never did I consider such a possibility. I was with her throughout the process and thought her application was exemplary.
A million questions started to fill my mind.
Why? Why? Why?
Five minutes later, she runs into my room and in a very excited voice asks me if I’ve heard from the schools yet. I was not ready to deliver the bad news, so despite my somber state I put on a happy face and said “Not yet”.
Later that afternoon I got the bad news from the second school.
On my way to pick up my daughter from school that afternoon I was tormented. Is she not good enough? What did I miss? Was it my fault that I did not get her tutors or assist her more with the application process?
When she saw me she came running with great excitement and her first words were, “Daddy, did you hear from the schools?”
I was still not at all ready and I said “No”. I asked her instead what her friends had heard. She told me that all of her best friends got into the schools of their choice.
That night I could not sleep. I kept thinking, “She will be left behind. How will she take the news? Is this going to destroy her self-esteem? How can I protect her from this adversity?”
The next day I told her about the first school and she was shaken. Then she asked me suspiciously about the second school and I had to tell her that news too.
She started to bawl her eyes out.
It felt like a knife cutting through my heart. I composed myself as much as I could and told her that bad things sometimes happen but always for a good reason.
She countered by saying, “That’s not true!”
I said, “Yes, even if we cannot see what the reason is at the time.”
She said, “Are you saying that if I died that would a good thing?”
I was dumbfounded and couldn’t answer her.
The next day I started to reflect on my belief that things always work out for the best. I reminded myself that this adversity was not about me; this was about my young daughter who has to learn a hard lesson so early in life.
So how can I help her deal with this without emotional scarring?
I am aware that my perception can cause me to view situations like this with fear and shame, and I have learned to correct that perception. But in this case it was my daughter’s emotions that I was so worried about.
That is when I got my clarity.
I suddenly realized that it was I who needed to deal with this, not her.
I asked myself if I truly and completely believed that this turn of events was for the best? My answer was a resounding ‘Yes!’
Well then, what’s the problem? There is none!
What became clear is that it was I who felt the anguish and fear and shame. It was I who needed to process these negative feelings, not her.
She didn’t even have these feelings and I was about to inadvertently instill in her my own prejudices and negative perceptions. And then try to fix her, like breaking a glass and trying to put it back together.
I realized that if I were at peace with the outcome, she would be too. And I could then focus on guiding her positively through the experience. What an awakening!
Over the next few days I found another great school. I even arranged a second shot at her favorite choice in another month, although she’s already happy with the new school we selected.
My daughter returned to being as happy and cheerful as usual, to the point that she made me wonder if she cared that she’s not going to be with her friends in the next school year!
While this story has a happy ending, the real gift is that I didn’t pass my self-centered fears to my daughter, and instead helped her see the good within adversity. And that will guide her toward developing better serenity in what life brings her.
Here is how to apply this lesson when a child or loved one faces a difficult situation:
- Stay in the moment and keep focused because they need you right now.
- Make sure that you are totally without any negative feelings about their situation. True positive serenity is the best support that you can give to them.
- Guide them to see the positive aspects that could come out of the situation.
- Help them avoid making decisions based on negative emotions that they may have.
The following publications have reprinted this article:
SelfGrowth: The Online Self-Improvement Community
A Child Grows in Brooklyn