And behold, that is where I am making some of the biggest mistakes of my life.

To illustrate, I started to play this game in which you have to arrange various geometric figures into complete lines so they disappear and make room for more objects that keep coming in. You can take as much time as you want before you place each piece. But you lose the game if an object comes in with no room left on the board for it to fit into. I am very good at this game, but I made an interesting observation. I tend to score highly in this game only when I take my time and think carefully about every piece. And place those pieces in a conservative manner to maximize the use of empty spaces. I can literally go on for hours before making a mistake.

But when I start a new game, sometimes I feel a little impatient. I have to play for an hour or more before I reach the level I normally reach. So I start placing the pieces faster to get to my usual level.

However, no matter how skilled I become at this game, when I don’t take the time, I invariably get a piece that surprises me and I cannot place it anywhere. Then I lose the game early on.

What happens when we pay attention?

It became clear that the only way I could do really well at this game was to take my time and think carefully about where I place each piece. Even when it is early on in the game. Even when I have lots of space and time to be able to make a small mistake or two without much consequence.

I see the same pattern in my life. I don’t take the time to think very carefully about every move I make. Especially when my activities seem mundane, repetitive and inconsequential.

For example, I don’t pay enough attention to the foods I buy or allow into my house. And then I wonder why I snack on unhealthy foods when I don’t want to! I need to pay close attention to make sure that everything in my house is pleasing, satisfying and reflects what I want for myself.

Likewise, I don’t take the time to make sure that I do the most important things that I need for optimal health, mindset and my connections with people. In my haste, I forget to thank people. I don’t remember to wish them well on their birthdays. Or I end up regretting saying or doing hurtful things, even though those things didn’t seem that important at the time.

As a result, just as in the game, I get surprised by mishaps that I wish I could have foreseen and avoided. Or I see them after it is already too late and there is nothing I can do about it.

Success via slowing down

As with that video game, good things happen to me when I have patience and take my time to execute every one of my daily activities with calmness and focus, and without distraction.

That’s a challenge for me. I’m both lazy and impatient and want to just get on with it! But that’s where my failure is. I’m not always calm, patient, careful and deliberate in the way that I live my life, or with every decision that I make.

I’m sure that for many, changing this habit may sound onerous or unnecessary. But nothing could be further from the truth.

Life is not a race. It’s an amazing journey, especially when we slow down and remember, every minute, to give everyone and everything in our lives the attention it deserves.

The post I Make Hundreds of Mistakes Every Day appeared first on Charles Hanna.

Even though we may have different ideas on how to solve our issues, we are all very similar; we’re fearful about our future and view Trump as either a savior or a destroyer.

What is making us so afraid?

The key point here is that our fear is amplified because of the unprecedented turmoil in our world. We are literally raping the earth’s resources, with consequences that no one understands and everyone fears.  Our environment is shifting in dramatic and scary ways, and whether the changes are manmade or not, they are frightening.

Our population is exploding and may overwhelm our resources. Rising political powers in different parts of the world are creating conflicts and dangers that can move quickly in unpredictable and unprecedented ways. Moreover, the turmoil brewing in many parts of the world is seeping through our borders, making matters much more tenuous than they already were.

Technology has permeated every aspect of our society and despite the huge benefits, the resulting risks and dangers are terrifying. Even our huge financial infrastructures are as fragile as a house of cards, as we have already experienced.

We fear new deadly diseases, or re-emergence of old diseases, either of which can spread rapidly and have devastating effects. There is the fear of fanaticism and terrorism, with people holding very different opinions about what is right and what is wrong. Whether those opinions are based on race, religion, geography, economic status, sexual orientation or political differences, all sides feel strongly that it is not fair to them, and that something must be done to makes changes that match their point of view.

All of these threats are moving faster and faster, with less and less control

When we start to see these threats affecting our loved ones, including our children, through violence or mental illness, it makes us even more hypersensitive.

Every twist and turn is like a sudden shriek or thump in a scary movie that keeps us on the edge of our seats. We startle to the point of exhaustion and anger, wondering if we will ever be able to navigate our way safely through these dangerous waters.

So when Trump is as definitive and extreme as he is, right or wrong, people react strongly.

In other words, we are not turning against each other because of Trump, but because of extreme fear and uncertainty about our future.

It helps to remember that we are all on the same side

We all want the world to be a safe place. We all want to live with dignity and respect and provide for our families. We want to be able to control our immediate environment, with opportunities for growth and prosperity. We want to be able to dream and achieve our goals.

But how can we achieve any of these things in the face of the fear and mistrust that is so prevalent in this age?

Let’s stop thinking of each other as the enemy.

I have found that when I trust that we will eventually find the best way forward from these trying times (even if the solution is completely different from what I would have chosen), only then can I let go of my fear and anxiety.

Otherwise, my fear and anxiety will make me react in irrational ways that harm the process and jeopardize the outcome.

Let’s allow the people in charge to work it out and let us accept whatever outcome results, without reacting (or overreacting) to every bit of news and every twist and turn of what is said. The bigger the issues, the bigger the lessons learned in the end. And as in any dispute, matters resolve only after honest communication, resulting in a better understanding of each other’s’ perspective and how to move forward in harmony.

We can harness our ingenuity and enrich our own lives by embracing our diversity rather than by judging the ‘other side’ as being ignorant or misguided.

So, why not express your view as passionately as you want, and vote with your heart, then let it go and trust the process without judgment, fear or animosity?

The post Why We Struggle to Agree on Loving/Hating Donald Trump appeared first on Charles Hanna.

I was frightened, disoriented, and rabid with anger. I had lost everything, including myself. Bankrupt physically, emotionally, and spiritually, I was without hope.

On the airplane, I began to cry uncontrollably. A flight attendant asked me what was wrong. All I could say was, “I lost my daughter.” She left me alone with my grief.

At the rehab center, after two days of detox, my assigned counselor met with me and asked me to tell her my story. My eyes filled with tears. I told the counselor that I had been to five other treatment centers and they had not worked because no one could answer my question – Why had the people closest to me betrayed me?

I guess what I wanted was someone to understand my anguish and validate my misery.

And the counselor listened carefully. But at my first pause, she leaned toward me and said in a solemn voice, “I see tombstones in your eyes.” Just like that, she discarded me and everything I had said. She walked away. That counselor was my last lifeline, and it had just snapped.

The turning point

I am only alive (and sober) today because of the miracle I experienced on my third day in treatment. As I entered my room and walked by the mirror, I glimpsed something I had never seen before. I jumped back to take a second look but it was gone. Gone but not forgotten. It was like the movie The Fly, where the man is lost within the monster.

For a split second, I saw that monster. And at that moment I realized that I was possessed by a demon: addiction.

The tools that I had always relied on, and that had helped me succeed and distinguish myself — intelligence, charisma, loyalty, and determination — became weapons that my addiction was using against me, leaving me with no hope of fighting it on my own. My mind was the enemy.

With this realization, I surrendered completely. I abandoned my old self without any bargaining or even remorse. In fact, I experienced hope for the first time. I awoke to the fact that my salvation was only possible if I allowed others — my counselors — to guide me back to life.

How it works

Everything I had ever known was based on a reality that I now had to abandon completely. Surrender means letting go of everything you believe in. So for me, this meant giving up how I saw myself, my parents, my soul mate, my daughter.  All of my love, memories, ambitions, and hopes, my sense of everything and everyone that I had known and lived for — was gone.

I discovered that almost everything we think we know about our selves and our lives is a fabrication of the mind. The mind continuously distorts our reality to a point where our perceptions are cut off from our true existence. But just like in the movie The Matrix, when Neo woke up and found out he was living an alternate reality, we too have the capacity to wake up.

My discoveries

When I became sober, I learned to trust life even when bad things happen, because there are always good reasons, whether or not I can comprehend them.

And I never lost the unique traits that I had been afraid of losing, such as my personality, sense of humor and passion. In fact, my better qualities became more apparent in the absence of my ego, and without substance use.

Now, I experience more fun and natural highs from intimacy and connection, from the joy of eating and sleeping, feeling healthy, creative and productive. And these are all gifts that are forever there for me to tap into, without any hangover or depletion.

Today I am so blessed

I am completely at peace with my weaknesses, defeats, and blessings. For the most part, I live in the moment where time seems to stand still. My brain is quiet and I am able to savor the minute details of my priceless gifts — my life, health, family, friends, and my freedom. Every day is fresh, exciting, and engaging, with new unexpected opportunities to grow, fall in love, and whatever I desire.

And the incredible irony is that I have experienced far greater success in every facet of my life, even materially, than when I worked tirelessly to achieve success.

What you can do

Over 20 million Americans over the age of 12 have an addiction (excluding tobacco). And overdose deaths have more than tripled in the past 20 years. Every day, hundreds of people die from accidental drug overdoses. 

If you or someone you know is battling addiction or depression, I invite you to find out how I arrested my addiction and found greater happiness. What I experienced and the insights I discovered on my journey are the heart of my book, Higher: Awaken to A More Fulfilling Life, and I am happy to give it away for free to anyone who wants a copy. Just follow this link and request a copy (please include your mailing address and phone number.)

I believe that everyone can, and deserves to be, really happy.

The post 30 Years Ago Today I Became Sober appeared first on Charles Hanna.

Well, chances are you do know someone – a friend, colleague or family member. But they may be hiding their struggle so well that you have no idea they’re in trouble.

In fact, in the United States, more people now die from opioid painkiller overdoses than from heroin and cocaine combined. The U.S. is in the throes of a drug addiction epidemic. And it kills more Americans daily than car accidents, gun deaths, or AIDS.

In the U.S. more than 175 people die every day from opioid overdoses. These people aren’t all ‘junkies’ living on the street. They’re people with jobs and families who happen to have been prescribed opioids for pain relief. And then they start needing more and more of the drug as addiction sets in.

Opioid overdoses increased by roughly 30% across the U.S. in just 14 months between 2016 and 2017. (U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.)

No-one is immune to overdose

Although many people blame street drugs for spiking overdose statistics, it’s not just illicit drugs that are behind the dramatic rise in overdose deaths. Legally prescribed opioids have caused widespread addiction in cities and suburbs. In fact, the majority of today’s drug overdose deaths happen as a result of opioid abuse.

Opioids are prescribed to reduce pain. But many patients end up addicted to the synthetic drug. And since governments have begun cracking down on opioid prescriptions, the cost of the painkillers has increased as much as ten-fold. (In many regions, heroin is cheaper and more available than opioids. This has caused a sharp rise in heroin addiction.)

When taken in large quantities, opioids can depress functions such as normal breathing and heartbeat, until the user eventually stops breathing, leading to death. 

With fatalities from prescription drugs increasing, it’s important to spread the word that prescription medicines are not always beneficial.

Painkillers and other pharmaceutical drugs can play an important medical role, but when used (or prescribed) carelessly, these chemicals often have tragic long-term consequences.

Where there’s addiction, there is unresolved emotional pain

I began using drugs in my 20s to cope with anxiety, depression and unprocessed childhood adversity.

My dabbling in drugs for fun turned into substance use disorder, which increased in direct proportion to the growing turmoil in my marriage. I spent eight years under the influence of drugs and I was lucky to survive. I fell deeper and deeper into cocaine addiction. It systematically destroyed every aspect of my life before I started my recovery.

If you know someone who may be affected by an addiction to painkillers or illicit drugs, your first step is awareness. And compassion.

Addiction can happen to anyone.

Other ways you can help

To support National Prescription Opioid and Heroin Awareness Week, please use these hashtags:

#Opioid

#Prescription

#Addiction

#OpioidCrisis

#Drugs

#Painkillers

#Heroin

The post It’s National Opioid and Heroin Awareness Week appeared first on Charles Hanna.

We’re very excited to release Charles Hanna’s first audiobook – Higher: Awaken to a more fulfilling life – co-narrated by Charles and the wonderful Oscar-nominated and Emmy award-winning actress, Joan Cusack. You can download the audiobook on Audible. And, if you’re not already a member of Audible, your download is free!

What’s in the audiobook?

During this 5-hour audio journey, Charles’ soothing voice guides you into a higher state of self-awareness and serenity. You will come to understand why and how addictive behavior (gambling, sex addiction, substance abuse, eating disorders) develops. You’ll also learn how you can use simple mindfulness techniques to change your perspective and dissolve addictive tendencies.

In this audiobook, Charles shares his life story with humility and honesty.  He describes the 8 years he spent addicted to cocaine. Even as his family grew and his business succeeded beyond his wildest dreams, his addiction continued to worsen.

When repeated near-death experiences failed to stop his drug use, he realized he was in trouble.  But six trips through rehab still didn’t create lasting change. He spiraled more and more out of control.

It was only a chance trick of perception during his seventh trip through treatment that led to an emotionally devastating surrender. That surrender finally gave him a route toward freedom and health.

No matter what your current state of mental health – anxiety, depression, addiction – this audiobook will challenge your perceptions and give you practical tools to help you reset your life, and heal emotional traumas and mental health challenges.

For more about addiction, mental health and perception, please read Charles’ latest post on Medium.

And in the meantime, here’s a free, quick and uplifting preview of the audiobook (1.5 minutes) – let us know your response in the comments below – thanks!

The post Higher Audiobook Now Available! appeared first on Charles Hanna.

I am alive today only because of the miracle I experienced one day in treatment. As I entered my room and walked by a mirror, I glimpsed something I had never seen before. I jumped back to take a second look.  It was gone. Gone but not forgotten.

It was like the movie The Fly, where the man disappears within a monster. For a split second, I saw that monster. In that moment, I realized that I was possessed by a demon: addiction.

That was 28 years ago. I now know that long before I fell into substance addiction, I was already afflicted with a way of thinking that provided the perfect hotbed for addiction. I call that way of thinking Perception Disorder.

Perception Disorder starts as mild discomfort or anxiety and can progress to a total inability to cope or function.

What is Perception Disorder?

Perception Disorder is a condition that causes us to view ourselves as the center of the universe. We see our world from a self-centered perspective and we evaluate everything based on whether we feel it is ‘good’ or ‘bad’ for us.

For example, we may enter a room just as people burst out laughing. If we suffer from Perception Disorder, we might immediately fear that they are laughing at us.

Or our partner may be troubled and wanting to talk to a friend, and instead of feeling empathy, we become afraid that they don’t value our opinion, or we think they just want to get away from us. These suspicions can cause strife and mistrust.

Without open dialogue, we cannot process the negative feelings we experience through our Perception Disorder. And over time, this can severely erode our quality of life.

How do I know if I have Perception Disorder?

Here’s a short questionnaire to detect the presence of Perception Disorder:
• Do you think of yourself (or have others described you) as self-centered, close-minded, oversensitive, negative, fearful, or childish?

• Do you worry excessively, lack empathy, feel shame, say that life is unfair, have several enemies, hold grudges, or fail to take good care of yourself? (i.e. smoking, poor dietary habits or sleep patterns)

If you said ‘yes’ to either question, or if you often feel ungrateful or unhappy, then you probably suffer from Perception Disorder to some degree.

Perception Disorder develops during early life when a child doesn’t receive adequate attention and time for intimate talks that help her integrate into society with proper grounding. Such a child will be unable to share her feelings openly. And this may lead her to develop distorted perceptions about herself and her world.

In extreme cases, these children become acutely insecure and vulnerable as they grow into young adults.

How does perception help cause addiction?

Addiction is a disease of perception.

Severe, progressive Perception Disorder can lead to addiction and substance dependence.

The first time a person experiences the numbing effects of any sort of drug or potentially addictive behavior, they may feel incredible relief and a sense of belonging. This emotional relief can initiate their dependence on a substance or behavior.

Over time, and through repetition of such behaviors, perception becomes increasingly distorted and the person is more and more isolated from society until the pain is so great that substance use and/or compulsive behavior becomes a repeated distraction, an anticipated relief, and ultimately, a physical and psychological necessity.

So in its advanced stages, Perception Disorder can lead to substance abuse and/or behavioral disorders such as compulsive gambling, work, sex, love, or eating, and codependency.

7 Things to Know about Addiction and Perception Disorder

1. Perception Disorder is a progressive disease that compromises our quality of life. We all have it to varying degrees.

2. Severe, progressive Perception Disorder can lead to severe mental illness, such as addiction.

3. Addiction is a disease that wants to kill you. For this reason, abstinence is not recovery; it is only a prerequisite to recovery.

4. The underlying Perception Disorder was present before, and is exacerbated by, the abuse. Therefore, treating the Perception Disorder is imperative.

5. If you suffer from an advanced stage of Perception Disorder, such as addiction, then getting outside help to arrest the disease must be your sole priority.

6. Even if you find yourself completely down and out – perhaps hospitalized or incarcerated – don’t be discouraged. This may be your greatest opportunity to grow in a more meaningful way than would otherwise have been possible.

7. We can markedly improve our quality of life through simple techniques that arrest the damaging effects of our Perception Disorder.

This article has been reprinted in the following publications:

Huffington Post – October 2016

The Awesome Muse – September 2016

Pittsburgh Better Times – September 2016

Pevonia.com – September 2016

The post Is Perception Disorder Causing Your Addiction? appeared first on Charles Hanna.

My daughter is turning 12 and she is starting to challenge me.

She is finishing grade 6 and has to transition to a middle school. There are many options and of course I have a good idea of where I want her to go. She has other ideas and I am perfectly fine with discussing them and even open to a different school based on her input.

However, this was not a logical exchange.

She started with an absurd choice and defended it with outrageous assumptions. No matter how much I tried to listen and debunk her assumptions, she dismissed everything I said without listening and just volleyed back clearly nonsensical arguments.

I began to get upset because it was turning into a needless confrontation, and it kept getting worse until I had no choice but to end it on a sour note.

This was the first time that my little girl confronted me just for the sake of confrontation. Later that evening she started to follow me as if looking for reconciliation, so we had a little talk.

I told her that I was hurt because she did not trust my opinion and was not even listening when all I am thinking of is her wellbeing. Anyway, we both apologized and hugged as I was getting her to sleep.

I would love to say it was a happy ending

But the same thing happened the next day. Her backhanded remarks became more reflexive and unthinking. I got so upset that I accused her of not having any respect for me or my opinion.

This pattern of confrontational challenges, followed by making up, continued. It became harder to dismiss the clashes as a misunderstanding. I remember being very upset, like my world was shaken. My reality was being altered and my serenity threatened.

My close relationship with my daughter is one of the most cherished aspects of my life. I started to become overwhelmed with feelings of loss and facing the fact that her childhood may be coming to a rapid ending.

Even so, I had hoped that as she grew up she would still recognize my unconditional love for her, and trust me for guidance.

These thoughts consumed me over the following few days and I became worried that I was losing my serenity. I could not see an easy answer, nor could I accept this friction.

That is, until I reflected on my writings about how, when bad things happen, there is always a positive side.

The only way forward is to accept the challenges and look for a positive outcome

What became quickly obvious to me is that my daughter’s confrontation is simply her exploration of independence. She is growing, and it is healthy and necessary for her to be able to start reasoning for herself with whatever experience and information she has available.

If she is to become a strong adult, being right or wrong is secondary to her need to start breaking away. It’s time for her to push and explore beyond her present limits. This has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with her natural and healthy need to grow.

In short, I started to see the positive. And it outweighs any negativity that I might have felt so far.

That evening while the friction was still palpable between us, I told her that I wanted to say something. She listened apprehensively as I said that even though our arguments had upset me, when I had a chance to think about it, I started to develop a genuine respect for her qualities.

I told her that it’s perfectly healthy for her to challenge my ideas because it’s an important part of growing up. I added that I also admire her strength of character. And that it’s important to her development that she realizes she has a right to disagree and express it, regardless of whether she’s right or wrong. However I also told her that, while I am completely okay with our arguments, it does not change the rules.

What happened next was wonderfully unexpected

She looked like she could not believe what she was hearing, and then she hugged me. She felt her feelings were validated and I loved her the more for it.

That period of confrontation passed and we seemed to enter a new chapter in her development and our relationship. We got a lot closer. And she seemed to feel comfortable because I was not mad at her. And she could tell I didn’t think that she was stubborn or disrespectful, or that her opinion didn’t count.

She is becoming more independent, and I feel that she includes me more than she would have otherwise. She is trusting me more with her thoughts. And where we differ, she accepts my decisions more readily without feeling dismissed or defeated.

It’s interesting and noteworthy to mention that a couple of months later, I was sharing this experience with some friends when my daughter entered the room. She asked what we were talking about and I asked her, “Do you remember the time when I told you that I did not mind our arguments and that I admired your need to disagree?” and she replied, “No”.

I had to laugh because she had no recollection of what I thought was a groundbreaking transition for her.

The bottom line is, parenting IS challenges.

And these challenges were just another brick in my daughter’s development. It’s a good brick, but it’s just one brick, and as a parent I need to continue to add more and more of these positive and grounding experiences as she grows.

The following publications have reprinted this article:

By You Magazine: Be Your Own You

Huffington Post

SelfGrowth: The Online Self-Improvement Community

Mom-Spot: The Parenting Resource 

The post My Daughter Challenges Me: A Father’s Perspective appeared first on Charles Hanna.

Most people grasp how crucial it is for children to not miss out on their childhood. But we miss that it’s equally crucial not to miss out on all of life – adolescence, middle age, old age, single life, married life, parenthood, or any other phase. Every stage is an incredible gift that must not be wasted or compromised in any way.

Whether you believe we live one or many lives, it always starts with birth and infancy. Then childhood and so forth. If we are lucky we live a long life, but it is not always possible. In fact, the older we get the lower is the probability of our survival.

This means that old age is a very rare occurrence, whether we live one life or many. If we live one life we may never see old age, or only a few select will. If we live many lives, as I happen to believe that we do, we will see ripe old age in far fewer lifetimes than we will see childhood, the most abundant life phase.

That makes old age very special indeed. But sadly, most of us are too busy being afraid of getting old. So we miss that most beautiful phase of our lives.

Sure, old age has its disadvantages, but every age has its advantages too

That is why we need to enjoy every one of our ages for what they are. The only thing we can do to ensure maximum fulfillment is to follow our Higher Purpose of taking good care of ourselves – body, mind and spirit.

The other day I was watching a movie about a little boy. He was roughly 10 years of age when he escaped from a very oppressive boarding school where his father had left him. The boy had been rejected and abandoned by his father because he was ‘different’.

The boy was impressionable and needed guidance. So he went searching for his estranged grandfather. The old man had been yearning to find him. They finally connect in a charming scene and the grandfather explains to the boy the great legacy of their family and the magic of being who they are.

I found myself is awe as I watched the beauty and purity of this old man providing inspiration and guidance to that little boy.

I had watched similar scenes many times before.  I had always identified with the little boy and wondered what it would be like to be empowered like that.

This time it was different

This time I realized that the beauty of this nurturing moment was made possible by the old grandfather. The kindness and wealth of knowledge and resources that the grandfather offered are the most valuable and beautiful gifts that he could give to that child.

I was overcome with feeling and the vision that it is the grandfather who had the power to make that experience so beautiful for the child. It made me see the incredible beauty of that phase in our lives.

I’m becoming conscious of what an incredible gift it is to be able to give guidance, inspiration and magical imagination to young budding minds. This opportunity is ideally suited for the latter stages of our lives, provided we live long, healthy and happy lives, rich with spirit and knowledge and resources to give meaningfully to the younger generations.

In other words, by following the principles of Higher and becoming the best we can be, we enjoy life to the fullest and become the most valued givers.

This is the first time I’ve seen and felt the real beauty of old age, and appreciated its unique and priceless gifts.

I think most of us live our lives in fear of becoming old

We’re afraid of losing our youth, our health, and all that we love without having any idea what comes next.

But the more I feel connected to the Higher Perspective and being part of a continuum that is good and exciting, the more I can let go of that fear. And that allows me to enjoy every phase of my life to the fullest, and realize that the latter part of this lifetime could be the most exciting part of the ride.

I’m not living there yet, but I feel serenity and joy knowing that, from the glimpses I’ve seen, some of the good things are yet to come.

The following publications have reprinted this article: 

Third Age: Healthy Living for Women + Their Families

SelfGrowth: The Online Self-Improvement Community

New Spirit Journal: Inspiration and Practical Spirituality

New Age Journal: Latest News and Insights for the New Age

Fabulous at 50: Celebrating Baby Boomer Women

The post The Beauty of Old Age appeared first on Charles Hanna.

My daughter is finishing Grade 6 and everyone in her class had to apply to an intermediate school. The selection process is quite gruelling but I was very confident that she would be accepted in one or both of the schools she applied to.

As the announcement date approached, the stress experienced by these children became more and more evident.

On that day at 6am I received an email from the first school indicating that my daughter was not selected. She was instead placed on a Wait List due to space constraints.

I was stunned. It was the easier of the two schools and she did not make it. Never did I consider such a possibility. I was with her throughout the process and thought her application was exemplary.

A million questions started to fill my mind.

Why? Why? Why?

Five minutes later, she runs into my room and in a very excited voice asks me if I’ve heard from the schools yet. I was not ready to deliver the bad news, so despite my somber state I put on a happy face and said “Not yet”.

Later that afternoon I got the bad news from the second school.

On my way to pick up my daughter from school that afternoon I was tormented. Is she not good enough? What did I miss? Was it my fault that I did not get her tutors or assist her more with the application process?

When she saw me she came running with great excitement and her first words were, “Daddy, did you hear from the schools?”

I was still not at all ready and I said “No”. I asked her instead what her friends had heard. She told me that all of her best friends got into the schools of their choice.

That night I could not sleep. I kept thinking, “She will be left behind. How will she take the news? Is this going to destroy her self-esteem? How can I protect her from this adversity?”

The next day I told her about the first school and she was shaken. Then she asked me suspiciously about the second school and I had to tell her that news too.

She started to bawl her eyes out.

It felt like a knife cutting through my heart. I composed myself as much as I could and told her that bad things sometimes happen but always for a good reason.

She countered by saying, “That’s not true!”

I said, “Yes, even if we cannot see what the reason is at the time.”

She said, “Are you saying that if I died that would a good thing?”

I was dumbfounded and couldn’t answer her.

The next day I started to reflect on my belief that things always work out for the best. I reminded myself that this adversity was not about me; this was about my young daughter who has to learn a hard lesson so early in life.

So how can I help her deal with this without emotional scarring?

I am aware that my perception can cause me to view situations like this with fear and shame, and I have learned to correct that perception. But in this case it was my daughter’s emotions that I was so worried about.

That is when I got my clarity.

I suddenly realized that it was I who needed to deal with this, not her.

I asked myself if I truly and completely believed that this turn of events was for the best? My answer was a resounding ‘Yes!’

Well then, what’s the problem? There is none!

What became clear is that it was I who felt the anguish and fear and shame. It was I who needed to process these negative feelings, not her.

She didn’t even have these feelings and I was about to inadvertently instill  in her my own prejudices and negative perceptions. And then try to fix her, like breaking a glass and trying to put it back together.

I realized that if I were at peace with the outcome, she would be too. And I could then focus on guiding her positively through the experience. What an awakening!

Over the next few days I found another great school. I even arranged a second shot at her favorite choice in another month, although she’s already happy with the new school we selected.

My daughter returned to being as happy and cheerful as usual, to the point that she made me wonder if she cared that she’s not going to be with her friends in the next school year!

While this story has a happy ending, the real gift is that I didn’t pass my self-centered fears to my daughter, and instead helped her see the good within adversity. And that will guide her toward developing better serenity in what life brings her.

Here is how to apply this lesson when a child or loved one faces a difficult situation:

1. Stay in the moment and keep focused because they need you right now.
2. Make sure that you are totally without any negative feelings about their situation. True positive serenity is the best support that you can give to them.
3. Guide them to see the positive aspects that could come out of the situation.
4. Help them avoid making decisions based on negative emotions that they may have.

The following publications have reprinted this article:

Huffington Post: October 2016

SelfGrowth: The Online Self-Improvement Community

The Baby Spot

Story Monsters Ink

South Coast Today

Pittsburgh Parent

Orethapedia

The Good Men Project

Maria’s Space

A Child Grows in Brooklyn

The post A Lesson in Parenting Through Adversity appeared first on Charles Hanna.

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How can we change our perspective to reduce anxiety?

Charles: We are very anxious as a species. And because we are all anxious, we think it’s normal. But in fact, anything that we can do to bring down that anxiety is going to be very healthy for us, will bring down the diseases, will make us  more fulfilled in life and so on. And that’s just the comfort of making your life a little bit more predictable.

Dr J: But what about the concept…like let’s say there were earthquakes in Italy the other day. And everybody says, “Yeah, I saw it on Twitter” and they don’t think anything of it. But really our existence upon his earth is dependent upon each other. The earth is not a solid mass, it is a living, breathing organism. We are all in the web of life, so it’s really about a higher concept.

What is your frame of reference?

Charles: Yes. If you were to try to monitor every situation that happens across the earth, you would go insane! You don’t have the capacity to really understand, comprehend and digest everything that’s going on. Well, we were never meant to process everything like that. Now, you can take a situation like the earthquakes in Italy and take different approaches to it. “Oh my God, this could happen to me!” OR “This is not me. I don’t care. I’m going to be totally oblivious to it.” OR “I am so grateful for what I have, and that this has not happened to me, that I’m going to appreciate my life a little more, hug my children more, say ‘hi’ to my neighbour. I’m going to appreciate and value my life more.”

Dr J: Right.

Challenges are going to come

Charles: Now, there are many different ways you can come out of a challenge. It all depends on your frame of reference. So no matter what happens in your life, as you said earlier, no matter whether you believe in God, you don’t believe in God, whether you have a good life, you don’t have a good life, whether you are spiritual or not, whether you’re well-grounded or not…none of that is going to change what’s going to happen in your life. Challenges are going to come. So it’s about how you deal with them. And the more you are capable of dealing with challenges – the more, for example, spiritual you are, the more grounded, the more fundamentally strong you are – the bigger the challenges are going to be.

Dr J: Exactly.

Charles: Because the little challenges are not going to bother you. You’re not even going to think of them as challenges because you are capable of working through them. So it’s the big ones that are going to stop you. And you’re going to ask yourself, “Why is this happening to me? I feel I’m spiritual. I believe in you, God. So why is this happening?” Because that’s life. And when you look at it from the perspective that it’s a bad thing, that’s your problem right there. It’s the fact that you think of it as being bad. With any challenge that can happen, there are a lot of beautiful things that could come out of it. No matter how horrible it might be right now.

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The post Something bad happened to me. How do I change my perspective so I feel better? appeared first on Charles Hanna.